Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
