I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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