Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
zippers are such a cool invention
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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