Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
