Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
