I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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