Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
