how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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