I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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