Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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