cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
