Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
