For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
