Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The air was thick with penises
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
