I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
