I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
