he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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