He kissed a someone with a penis
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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