I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
