you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
