I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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