Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
