So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
