I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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