I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dignity is for republicans.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
