GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
