I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
