so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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