i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
