Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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