dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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