You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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