when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
