Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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