matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize