if you like me you must not know who I am
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
