I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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