He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
