Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
