does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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