The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
