when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
