I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
