i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
