Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
