there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
