God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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