phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
