hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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