Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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