You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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