Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
