I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
