I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think I won the penis lottery.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
