Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
