I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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