if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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