Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
