he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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