a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
