There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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