She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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