I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
