well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
