Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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