So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
