we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
