Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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