20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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