i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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